Lamenting a Missing Husband
by Autumn Amethyst
Summary: LJ Oneshot. She could hardly look at Harry anymore. His little wisps of black hair, now fuller and messier than when he was a newborn, reminded Lily too much of James. Where was James?


_Disclaimer: I kiss the ground Jo walks on and offer her my loyalty. Obviously I would not steal from her._

**Note: Revamped the ending.**

**A/N: I've never written a one-shot before, but I dunno…I felt compelled. I hope you like it ) Comments are very much appreciated, of course.**

**Lamenting a Missing Husband**

Lily Potter twisted her wedding ring around her finger, cursing the diamond for sparkling so brightly. She had been cursing Mad-Eye for the past two weeks, but he was rather stony about the whole affair, and consequently Lily gained no satisfaction from her accusations. She had to focus her anger on something else.

Lily glanced at the front door, shifting restlessly in an armchair which threatened to engulf her in its squishiness. Where _was_ James? She wanted a letter, one word, some sort of message instead of this complete silence and this feeling of emptiness. He had been gone a full two weeks now, and she had no idea where he was, or even if he was alive. She shuddered at the thought, and then jumped when she heard a small sigh from her left.

She smiled slightly as she realized that it was only Harry, and he was still fast asleep; curled sideways in his fluffy blue blanket. She remembered how James had protested the purchase of that blanket. _"It's too girly- look, it's all ruffly."_ Lily frowned and bit her lip. _Oh James, you can have any damn blanket you want, just come home. _Her smile faded as quickly as it had come. She could hardly look at Harry anymore. His little wisps of black hair, now fuller and messier than when he was a newborn, reminded Lily too much of James.

Why had she not fought harder when Dumbledore refused to let her go with James? They had often gone on missions for the Order together, but this time she hadn't argued the headmaster's logic. She wanted to be there for Harry, after all, and Mad-Eye had assured her that James would not be gone long. Lily should have told him to go to hell then and there, instead of leaving her futile protests for later.

Lily sighed and leaned further back into the chair, running her fingers along the cushy arms. Sometimes she wished that she had said yes to James earlier, just one of the millions of times he had asked her out before seventh year; before she had finally caved in. She remembered that night perfectly, though it had been coming for awhile.

_Lily sighed as the raucous crowd gained a few decibels; this must mean that Potter had arrived. After-game parties were always a bit rowdy, but after this game… Even Lily had been rather excited when James caught the snitch, beating Slytherin by ten points when they had been down one-hundred and forty. She would never admit it, however, and tried to avert her eyes when Potter came through the portrait hole with a wide, lop-sided grin on his face, hands clapping him on the back as he passed. She hated the way he strut he into the crowd, obviously pleased with himself. He ran one hand through his hair, the messy strands falling over his fingers._

_Oh, but he had the best grin she had ever seen. Something about it had always caught her breath in her throat. He had always made her blood boil, but this year, she felt it in a very different way. She thought she must be going mad, to think that James Potter was rather attractive. She hated his womanizing tendencies; had always thought that he only wanted her because she repeatedly said no. What was wrong with her?_

_She turned away, not able to watch him anymore through her confusion. There was a bowl of punch sitting on the table in front of her, and she stepped towards it. With a shaking hand, she grabbed a cup and scooped a bit of the pink liquid. She brought the cup to her lips, and her eyes searched for James over the rim. He was looking at her, one of his hands readjusting the leather arm-guards he had left on. _

_She swallowed and cringed, tasting something distinctly alcoholic. She would have to harm Sirius Black later. Right now, she felt she had to avoid James's eyes or fall into them, and she didn't think she was ready for the latter. She turned to set her cup on the table, and felt a hand at her waist. She spun around, knowing before she met his eyes that he was behind her. _

_"Hello, Lily," he said softly, staring at her._

_"You are invading my personal bubble," she tried very hard not to sound as if she liked it. He had the decency to look embarrassed, and dropped his hand, taking a careful step backwards._

_"I thought you might, well…nevermind." He looked down at his shoes, and she allowed herself to gaze at him for a long moment. He seemed tired; there were smudges beneath his eyes, and he was as lanky as ever. She wondered what had been bothering him lately._

_"What, Potter? You thought I might proclaim my undying love for you, like the rest of your fan club?"_

_He glanced up at her, his eyes hurt. She immediately regretted this, and sucked in a breath. When had her insults ever hit anything besides a rubber wall? She had thought everything bounced off his ego._

_"I didn't mean…I mean-"_

_She couldn't take this. Really, it was too much. "I thought- well- I was proud of you yesterday."_

_"Yesterday?" he repeated, taking a step closer, his breath tickling her neck._

_"When you stuck up for that first year. It was…sweet. I didn't think you had it in you to do anything except insult people."_

_"Well, you never gave me a chance." _

_She bit her lip, causing him to look at her mouth. She wanted to look away from him, wanted to curse him, but was unable to. This was now an extreme invasion of her personal bubble, but she never managed to tell him. When she opened her mouth to speak, he leaned in and took it. _

_Her eyes opened wide in surprise, but quickly fell shut as he slid his mouth over hers. He smelled like evergreen and she wondered if that was cologne. His lips were rough over hers, but she didn't mind; she kissed him back. He seemed taken aback when she latched onto his arm-guards, feeling a bit dizzy and unable to stand on her own. She was thankful when his hands grasped her waist, his mouth leaving hers to kiss a trail down her neck. "James-" She put a hand on his chest, realizing for the first time in several minutes that they were in a room filled with people; people who were probably looking for their quidditch star. _

_He was brushing hair back from her face, grinning like a child who had been given a new candy. He leaned in and kissed her again, this time pulling back first. He suddenly looked uncertain, and she ran a hand through his hair, leaving her fingers at the back of his neck._

_"Go out with me?" He asked, closing his eyes._

_"Yes," she breathed, leaning up to kiss him again. He grinned widely._

Lily felt a grin cross her face, despite her present circumstances. There had been many more kisses after that one, and by the end of the night, she was not sure she was the same person anymore. After so many years of hating him, their relationship seemed like the last thing that would survive.

She pulled herself up from the chair, feeling the need to pace. Two weeks was a long time, especially when she was on holiday from her job to attend to Harry. Usually, she and James would take turns staying home with their son, but as he was gone…

She knew that she should be proud of James; he was obviously helping the Order out in a way most of its members had not wanted to. She suspected that Sirius now felt guilty for telling Dumbledore no. Lily had no idea what had happened to James after he left; he had not told her the details of this mission, and she was vaguely glad for it, even while it nagged her. Where _was_ he?

Her eyes fell on a wedding photo sitting on the mantle above the fireplace. She peered at it sadly, watching as photo-Sirius walked past Lily and James, dropping confetti on their heads. James grinned, but Lily glared and then smacked James playfully when she saw his amusement. The photo renditions of the two boys and Lily waved up at her when they realized that she was watching. She smiled distantly.

Sirius had been a constant in her relationship with James. For a while, they had argued incessantly, but gradually she found the good in him and, she thought, Sirius learned to respect her. Sirius, and Remus as well, had stopped by Godric's Hollow frequently during the past two weeks. She supposed they were attempting to cheer her up; to instill some sort of hope into this hopeless situation.

They had lost so many people in these past two years. So many. Why should James be any different? The fact that he was her husband did not make him any less vulnerable. This was why they were living here in Godric's Hollow. It was perhaps the safest place they could hide, and still be comfortable.

But why James? Why _James_? She looked over at their son, who rolled over and grunted, still snoring softly. If Lily had ever doubted that James would make a good father, her doubt was gone. He and Harry were practically inseparable. She remembered the day she had told James that she was pregnant; she had known right then what kind of father he would be.

_Lily wrung her hands together, nervous despite herself. She had only known for a few hours; this was still new to her. She didn't think James would be repulsed by the idea, but still, they had not been trying. They had only discussed children a time or two since the wedding. She thought they had been rather careful, but…there was that time after the Longbottoms' Quidditch party, or perhaps that one night in the kitchen. Lily smiled, memories washing over her._

_James was out with all three of his friends, but he was likely to be home soon, which was why Lily had planted herself next to the door. She ran a hand over her stomach, which was still mostly flat, but growing harder and rounder. _

_Suddenly the door burst open, and James came tumbling through, a grin on his face. He ran a hand through his hair and Lily smiled. After shutting the door behind him, he walked over to her and offered a quick kiss on the lips before pulling away._

_"Hello, love," he said cheerily. _

_She smiled back, a little unsteadily now that she remembered her news. He noticed. He always noticed. His eyes followed the hand still resting on her belly, and returned to her face. His grin fell, and he looked at her with wide, concerned eyes._

_"What's wrong?"_

_"I-"_

_"You're sick? Not feeling well?" He grabbed her hand and began tugging her towards their bedroom. "Come lay down. I'll make you lunch, and owl your work, and-"_

_"James!" They both stopped as she struggled in his grasp, laughing silently at him. "I'm not sick."_

_"Then…" His eyebrows furrowed, and a strand of hair slipped into his eyes._

_Lily raised a hand to move his hair aside and said, "I'm pregnant, James." She let out the breath she had been holding._

_He stared at her. After a long moment, she frowned. He shook himself and hiis eyes lit up. He glanced at her stomach, placing a tentative hand there. "Really?"_

_She laughed. "Yes, really."_

_"Sirius didn't put you up to this? You're not joking with me?"  
_

_"Of course not, James. This was just you and I being forgetful."_

_"Forgetful? We should be forgetful more often," he smirked, and then grabbed her hand, pulling her in the opposite direction, towards the front door.  
_

_"Where are we going?" Lily asked, frowning._

_"We have to find names. And then we need to plan a room..." He paused. "Do you think we'll need to move to a bigger place?"_

_"James, babies are this big." Lily made a gesture to indicate that they were not big at all._

_He looked at her hands and nodded. "Yes, we'll definitely have to move someplace bigger."_

Lily's thoughts were interrupted by a tapping at the window. She jumped again, and then groaned. This war had made her so paranoid that even the noise of owls frightened her senses. She stepped towards the window and opened it slowly. A large tawny owl flew through, and stuck out its leg for Lily to untie the letter.

She unraveled the parchment, breathing stiffly. Could this finally be news about James? She almost wished not, because it would probably mean he was-

_Don't reply to this, I'll be over later. I just wanted you to know that Marlene McKinnon was found dead. He wasn't with her. No news yet, I'm sorry. I'll see you soon._

Lily recognized Sirius's handwriting. She stared at the note until the owl lightly bit her finger. Absently, she searched for a couple of coins and dropped them into the owl's small pouch. It flew off, and she read the note again. _Marlene…_She had known the woman well. They had all joined the Order at about the same time. Marlene had gone on this mission with James, while Lily had been barred from doing so. _Marlene._

James could not possibly be alive, not if his partner was gone. Lily crumpled the note into a ball and refused to let the tears welling up in her eyes fall. They had talked about this, discussed what they should do if one of them did not make it. She couldn't. She couldn't do any of it.

She collapsed back into the armchair, letting her head drop into her hands, a tear silently streaming down her face. She would have to be strong for Harry. He was her only reason for living with her parents gone, a sister who hated her, and a husband who would never come home. She looked over at her son, at his messy black hair and tiny hands. What would she tell him? He wouldn't understand for years. He would think his father had abandoned him; something James would rather kill himself than do.

Lily choked back a sob. Two weeks. She should have given him a better goodbye. She had been fed up with Dumbledore and Mad-Eye, and she was distant with James because of it. Would she have to regret this for the rest of her life?

_Lily slammed the back door and threw her coat over a hook. Her auburn hair was wet from the rain and a few strands stuck to her cheek. She felt James come up behind her, and she spun around to poke him in the chest._

_"Why didn't you help me argue?" She demanded, referring to their earlier meeting with Dumbledore._

_James took a step back, his mouth falling open._

_"Do you not think I'm capable of doing this with you?" She glared at him. Her emerald eyes were darker than usual._

_He grimaced and ran a hand over his hair, a few water droplets flying off and hitting Lily lightly on the cheek. "I-"_

_"Don't tell me that you don't want to see me hurt, James Potter, because if you think that that is any different from me sitting here and waiting-"_

_He groaned. "Stop Lily, you know that's not true."_

_She tapped her foot against the floor and raised an eyebrow. "Which part?"_

_He sighed. "Marlene offered to come with me, and there is no need for a third person. I don't like the idea of putting your life in danger when it's completely unnecessary." He paused, seeing that she was yielding, but still unsatisfied. "Don't you think Harry needs you to stay with him?"_

_"Do not use our son as a weapon against me!" She resumed poking him in the chest._

_He grabbed her hand and kissed it. "Why not?" He grinned. "It always works."_

_James looked her in the eye, carefully dropping her hand. He frowned. "I promise I'll be back to you as soon as humanly possible." _

_When she made no move to kiss him goodbye, he leaned in, kissed her forehead, and walked out the door._

She should have said something, anything to make him see. She wasn't mad at him; it was this war. It was stress, lack of sleep, Voldemort. She was worried and overworked, tired and wet. She should have told him how much she loved him.

They had made plans for that summer. Harry's first birthday. Would his father not be there? Lily shook her head, her eyes clenching shut. What would Remus say? Perhaps he already knew. She couldn't do this alone. _Since when have you been weak? James would not want you this way._ She frowned. _I love him._ She had loved him all along.

Lily glanced down to see that she was making her wrist red from gripping the bracelet James had given her; her anniversary present. The diamond on her wedding ring was still sparkling brightly. Dumbledore was going to have to deal with a madwoman, because she was not letting this go. She would go looking for James herself until she knew for sure. She had to know. _Is it too much to ask for?_ Her chest was tight, her breath caught in her throat. _I just want him. James._ She curled back into the chair, bringing a hand up to rub at her eyes. The silence would drive her mad.

She glanced over at Harry, wanting to hold him more for her comfort than his. He was sleeping; she should not wake him. Perhaps she should straighten the room. Those pictures above the fireplace were making her crazy; if James waved and smiled one more time-

A noise at the door caused her to jump from her seat, wand outstretched in her shaking hand. Her will to keep her son safe overruled her own pain. She stared in disbelief as a head poked through the doorway, black hair sticking up in all directions. The rest of him came through, and Lily thought she must be hallucinating. He stopped, the door shutting behind him with a hollow click. She hadn't been sleeping enough; she was lamenting too much.

Lily's jade eyes scanned his form to find him weary, a bit of mud clinging to his clothes. She raised her eyes and lowered her wand. His limbs might seem tired, but his eyes were piercing. She _was_ hallucinating. She was staring at a dead man. _Marlene is dead. _Could he really be home?

She knew him. She understood James. Those sharp eyes, focused so clearly on her, were answering his worries; she was healthy and safe. Lily watched as he took two steps towards her, locking his eyes with hers and asking silent questions.

She stepped forward, away from the armchair where she had done her lamenting. She would get rid of that bloody chair, if it did not hold so many memories. _What am I doing?_ She felt something wash over her; she held her breath again. She was falling apart, her mind had already slipped away.

Then he was stepping closer, and she smelled _him_. This was James, or she was really going mad. She filled the rest of the distance between them, nails digging into his back as she wrapped her legs around his waist. He stumbled under her weight and gripped her tightly to him, their mouths meeting, open and warm. She thread her fingers through his hair, feeling his tongue on hers. This was _her_ James. He was home, he was alive. He was safe.

Lily tightened her legs around him and felt the hem of her sweater rise on her stomach as his fingers went searching. His hands were rough and cold against her bare skin, but Lily still felt hot. Any other day she might have nagged at him for gripping her backside like that. She moaned into his mouth instead, grabbing at the collar of his shirt and slipping her hands underneath. He nibbled lightly on her bottom lip as their tongues met again. She sucked in her stomach at the cold trail his fingers left. She was running out of air; she never wanted to let him go.

Their mouths broke apart and Lily breathed heavily. He buried his nose in her neck.

She picked at his hair. "You are never leaving me again," she breathed.

"No. No." He pulled back to look at her, his eyes scanning her face. He looked so tired. "I love you, Lily. I'm so sorry."

She whispered, "I thought you were dead."

He shook his head, his lips trailing down her neck. They both looked over at a noise on the other side of the room. Harry was awake, his small hands gripping the railing of his crib as he peered over the edge at his parents. James carefully let Lily down to her feet, righting her clothes and kissing her forehead. He thread his hand through hers.

They walked over to Harry, who blinked at them sleepily, his brilliant green eyes staring at his father. "Hello Harry," James said, squeezing his wife's hand and smiling at his son, "I'm home."


End file.
